He Who Burbles ([info]necaris) wrote,
@ 2008-05-30 09:25:00
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Current mood: contemplative

talking to randoms
While roving the vast Interwebs I came across The Modern Savage, and a couple of other blogs of that ilk -- while I can't quite rid myself of the feeling that the "pick-up artist" game is faintly sleazy, a lot of that blog's About page sounds familiar.

One of the concepts that keeps coming up there is "approach anxiety" -- a very familiar idea -- something that I've always felt in any social situation, no matter the gender or attractiveness of whoever I would like to approach. And particularly if I ever intend to go through with some of my hopes (e.g. running my own business some day) I'm going to have to be better at putting on a smile and going up to complete unknowns and talking to them.

(Yes, it would probably help with meeting women too, but I always wonder about that when I'm coming off a pointless crush of doom and it's not particularly relevant)

I think I've improved over time, but I'm still terrible at talking to strangers. Hence my question: do you find it easy to talk to randoms? Are there any strategies you use to make it less intimidating? Do you find it creepy to be talked to by complete strangers (and if so, how could I avoid that impression)?


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[info]mrkgnao
2008-05-30 10:19 am UTC (link)
As we all know, I talk to complete randoms regularly - and respond to them fucking up abysmally by deciding it's utterly adorable.

As if we needed any more proof that I AM NOT NORMAL.

Seriously though - I like talking to strangers and I like being talked to by strangers, I find it very liberating and only occasionally creepy. I think we all feel anxious about it, and also I think it's easier to strike up conversations if you're a girl ... since women tend to be less threatened by other women talking to them than they would be if a man did the same (fools!).

But then I'm not *too* bothered by randoms thinking I'm an idiot because they are, after all, randoms. I'm a little bit bothered but given the high percentage chance of looking like an idiot it's something you just have to get over.

Edited at 2008-05-30 10:19 am UTC

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[info]pozorvlak
2008-05-30 11:30 am UTC (link)
Yes, I still find it a bit intimidating; I've become better at it by sheer practice, at which I've had a lot - that's an RAF upbringing for you.

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[info]mrkgnao
2008-05-30 11:41 am UTC (link)
Awww, I can't imagine that at all! You feeling intimidated I mean, you seem so naturally outgoing.

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[info]pozorvlak
2008-05-30 11:54 am UTC (link)
Practice, man, practice. And remember that by the time I met you, we'd been corresponding online for a while.

I remember at the age of 18, I was on some kind of Youth Meeting for people from all over Europe. I walked into a room full of 100 people who I'd never met before, and suddenly thought "Hey! I can do this! I've been dealing with situations like this my entire life!".

After that moment, it got a lot easier.

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[info]necaris
2008-05-30 12:34 pm UTC (link)
Mmm, practice, I think, might have to be the answer :-(. I know I've survived meeting-people situations but I'm not all that experienced...

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random approach anxiety
(Anonymous)
2008-05-30 03:27 pm UTC (link)
Whether you are trying to attract women or not, it is always beneficial to talk to people that you don't know. Communication is key in society and those that have the ability to generate lively discussions with random people will have an increased opportunity for success in life.

There's an old saying, "It's not what you know, but who you know." The more people that you can meet and become friends with the better.

Of course, there is the approach anxiety and if someone has typically been an introvert for most of their life, then approaching and talking to randoms will be scary. But just like anything else, you need to fail many times before it becomes second nature. Don't worry about looking creepy either, as long as you smile and have good intentions, it's difficult to look like a creep.

-Matt Savage

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Re: random approach anxiety
[info]necaris
2008-05-30 06:05 pm UTC (link)
Thank you for commenting! I'm very impressed by your blog and your philosophy; as I said, your "About" page resonated a good deal with me and made me want to change things.

>you need to fail many times before it becomes second nature
I'm not looking forward to that, but I know it's got to happen. Thank you for the encouragement -- I'll need it!

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...
[info]lesslucid
2008-05-31 06:28 am UTC (link)
Hmm. I sort of think there are multiple parts to this. One is as said above, practice makes you better at stuff. Maybe one way to start is to think of something really easy and small-scale, like, I don't know, when you're buying something, say something about the weather instead of just counting out your money. Making marginally social interactions slightly more social is in some sense a bit like making non-social interactions into something social. Another is that, if you're an introvert (which I am and I don't think there's any shame in) then I think it helps to just accept that this stuff will be difficult. Don't beat yourself up for struggling at something that other people do much more naturally and easily. You learn a lot by having a bash at stuff which is not your strength, but part of what you learn is humility (because it's humiliating!) and partly to accept that progress is slow and that you're never going to reach the heights that others get to, but... you don't need to be above average or even average in order for progress to mean something. Hmm... and the third part is just a kind of rephrasing of something Kyra said above, but I've always liked this little quotation: "we'd worry a lot less about what others thought of us if we realised how seldom they do". If you make a fool of yourself talking to a stranger, it may be tempting to dwell on it all day, going over and over what went wrong and how you could have done better, &c &c, but it may be helpful to cut this kind of unhelpful obsessing short to remember that for them, it was probably a marginally interesting and unusual event which more or less then disappears from their consciousness about ten minutes later. And it's probably sensible to give it about that much weight... if you see what I mean.

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Re: ...
[info]necaris
2008-06-02 10:28 am UTC (link)
"we'd worry a lot less about what others thought of us if we realised how seldom they do"
Very good point -- I guess the secret is to practice frequently and invest very little, personally and emotionally, in each attempt.

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Re: ...
[info]palm_of_my_hand
2009-01-31 02:11 pm UTC (link)
I know you posted this a while ago, dude, but I'll pick it up anyway. I used to reeeeally suck at this, mainly because I was so wrapped up in my own head ("What does he think of meeee? Why did I say such a stupid thing yesterday? Oh no, someone I sort of know - run awaaaaaay!") But work, and particularly working with my ex-boss the uber-networker, have been really good for me, to the extent that I was startled recently to find out that I'm now much more comfortable with random meet-and-greet than my older sister.

And yeah, other people don't really think about you a whole lot. The trick, for me anyway, was to realise that 1) most people like making new friends and connections, 2) most people accept you at face value, 3) a smile and a joke cover a lot of sins, and 4) EVERYONE loves talking about themselves. Asking people questions about themselves - job, family, hobbies, whatever - always, always works. Sometimes you aren't destined to be lifelong friends or lovers, but if you take the view that other people are inherently interesting, you'll never go wrong. A few minutes of craic with the cashier at the supermarket brightens your day a surprising amount.

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[info]necaris
2009-01-31 07:58 pm UTC (link)
Hmmmm. You make some good points. Of your points, I know about #4 -- that and asking open questions (;-)) have got me through the few randomly-have-to-talk-to-someone situations I've been in.

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